Repository Ripoff 5( NA - 1 )  This is a sequel to part one, two, three and four. .................................................................. Northern Trade Company Northern trade company as the name might imply is a guild of traders. unlike other trader guilds however northern trade company has no crafters, no farmers and as such nothing to sell other than who gets to take turns kicking them around the goblin spawns on any particular day. 
it is early on in the server, astrolabes are extremely rare and somehow against the laws of the universe crimson crafter had one that he was looking to unload in trade. given the fact that i wrote the book on tradeganking i asked how much he wanted, whichever price he asked for would of been ok by me since the intention all along was to steal his astrolabe. however we never got to that point because he wanted to play the "make an offer" game, i will mention here that i really fucking hate douchebags that cant just come up with a price for the shit their trying to sell you and instead have you waste your time making an offer that unless is wildly over the items value they are just going to reject anyway. virtually all "traders" in game to game have this stupid fucking pawnshop mentality in any case lets see if i can "grow some balls" and make an offer...... 
apparently it was an offer he couldn't refuse since three minutes after initial contact from my alt the dumbshit had promoted me and gotten his bank robbed, among other highly sought valuables like lizardsticks and empty bags also included was his prized astrolabe. unfortunately he logged right after promoting me and none of the other handful of people were online so the ending was without trashtalk of any kind and as such extremely dissappointing and anticlimatic. BUT.......... 
two weeks later i was in town and noticed a "northern tradING company" after a quick check of the roster it had all of the same snakeoil salesman as the first guild minus crimson crafter. im guessing that crimson crafter quit the game after he logged in and realized his astrolabe was stolen and that his guildmates had to reform under a new guildtag since he was the SG. so far round two is going as well as round one and i have my foot in the door. 
claudius had gone afk after inviting me before i was able to get him to promote me. thankfully however there is no shortage of dumbasses in this guild (or darkfall in general) and mr brinait latfields here was all to willing to fill in and finish where claudius had left off. 
thanks brinait! it never ceases to amaze me how few folks even ask why it is that i cant login to whichever officer i am pretending to be to uh, you know...... just invite myself. (this time i was pretending to be one of their supreme generals) 
uh oh, speaking of which..... zulim (the guy i am supposed to be) logs in and starts getting everyone together for a big migration to yssam to live out of their alliance cities (surprise, they were in TRA!) my favorite part here other than brinaits oh so impressive 50 weapon skill and the whining about pk's is the "should we gear up to make an impression or be honest and go naked?" lol little do they know it is much adieu about nothing as their alliance is comprised of just as big of newbs as they are themselves and would be dead in a few short months anyway.   they were meeting up just around the corner in ringfain for their voyage to the promised land where they would be free from pks (lol), obviously i couldn't let that happen so it was a no brainer to head on over and go with them. for some fun irony i have zulim (the guy i am impersonating) toss me an invite, unfortunately he then starts asking me if i have ventrillo in guildchat.... which means that he and the rest of the guild are currently sitting in their vent and he is talking to "himself" in front of everyone in chat. not good. 
things are getting worse by the minute. brinait chides claudius for asking zulim who i was "lol it IS zulim!" zulim for some reason completely ignores the previous 3 pages of text talking about his alter ego and everyone else seems content to ask no more questions about the mysterious stranger in their ranks. this is so fucking stupid even i cant believe it. 
i get to ringfain and join the group of dolts on the docks while waiting for everyone else to show up, as you can see they are definitely dressed to impress! who exactly i have no idea but nevermind that. brinait is apparently the super pvp expert of the guild as he ran around like a methed up spaz for 10 minutes making sure to hit everyone as much as possible with his 4 damage leafblade and give out priceless tips such as "yeah if you have a bow you can jump on top of things and shoot people" before continueing to be an annoyance. 
HIGH ROLLER that he is zulim makes a late entrance with his impressive bone armor and rustic "no shoes" look. 
after zulim arrives he spawns a raft and we all pile on expecting to head to yssam, instead he just drove it in circles for several minutes without saying anything. while we continue to ride the aquatic tiltawhirl cononn marvels at the mystical ability called strafing while brinait gives more quality darkfall tips and explains how runestones are in fact reuseable (i wish) he then proceeded to hit everyone with his starter sword several more times and broke zulims chestpiece which must of had less than one durability left on it. his desire to impress the denizens of yssam is shot all to shit now. 
the other half of the retard rodeo finally shows up and spawns a second raft, we are finally underway to yssam. zulim seems to finally be aware of the dubious circumstances surrounding his new guildmate (me) and asks if im around, naturally im still "afk" so everyone happily relaxes and starts fishing as we continue to get further and further from town while a complete stranger claiming to be the guildleader is on one of the rafts.  
lol =P im sure you you saw that one coming a mile away (at least i hope so), however these morons did not. "luckily" for me the guilds PVP EXPERT brinait was on the other raft! cononn and vectorius paniced and jumped into the water when i started killing zulim, meanwhile claudius is still afk and oblivious to whats going on. 
as i was making my escape brinait started.... one sec, claudius came back..... ok back.  as i was saying brinait began deluding himself and his guildmates into thinking they were chasing me down and the idea of letting a gaggle of newbs like this think they ran me off (even if i am on a character with absolutely no skills levelled) is just completely unacceptable. so i turned the raft around and started heading for them. 
"my leafblade CAN kill!... damn my shitty leafblade" there i feel better now. as i engaged what was left of the expedition cononn and another guy jumped on the guilds prized rafts and started hauling ass in opposite directions leaving their guildmates to die. after effortlessly dispatching the guilds "pvp expert" lord vectorius swam off to davey jones locker and left me alone, unfortunately the newbie character i was on didn't have the stamina to chase and finish him off. 
apparently in addition to sucking at stealing boats, being scum AND the much worse "lowlife piece of sewer scum" i am also making up the fact that i looted their guildbank (twice mind you) typically i would of been done tormenting these folks by now but according to the forked tongue of zulim they are back on their trip to yssam. 
"we totally destroyed that idiot" welcome to the wonderful world of darkfall war stories where the only thing more ridiculous than the stories themselves are the people who tell them. i logged on my real character, posed as a member of the yssam alliance and offered to come help escort them. sadly they were demoralized and despite zulims bravado about going back they are giving up and resigned to staying on the mainland. 
seriously what the fuck? the diaper of a 600 pound octogenarian is less full of shit than this guy is. i genuinely hate the new generation of gamers, in the old days if something like this happened folks would either say nothing at all or spin it just a little. instead nowadays completely talking out of your ass and making an even bigger idiot of yourself in the process is the norm. 
"how would i know someone is not me if nobody tells me" yeah.... and with that there just isnt a whole lot more to say. needless to say northern trading company never amounted to much, in fact i think this day was probably the highlight of the guild as after this i never saw any of their members again. i still dont know whether or not zulim was just talking out of his ass about the bank as he had been doing the whole time or just genuinely didnt know how to open his own guildbank lol. ........................................................... Shimmering Dawn shimmering dawn was just your typical guild with a stupid name and ambitions that exceeded ability. however what was different about these folks is that their guildleader was a certain guy named "zatoichi" (probably some gay anime character that knows far to much about violent tentacle rape) who was spamming his recruit macro in trade chat. i don't know where i originally stumbled across zatoichi, but during the guilds 1.5 month stint in age of conan he claimed to know me and one of my guildmates from the old days of everquest 1 and then proceeded to tell me that my guildmate (whom ive known for 14 years) was a foul HACKER in EQ. these dubious claims annoyed me then (as the multiple killings would attest) and they annoy me now. 
i was hoping zatoichi would be on so i could have him personally be to blame for his guildbank being stolen but unfortunately he wasn't around so i settled for "lupo laraza", la raza is some kind of mexican/spanish supremacy thing and i don't much care for border jumping beaners as it is so while not as satisfying a mark as zatoichi he would suffice. this is one of the easiest times ive had getting into a guild, he basically did all the work without me having to say much at all. 
lupo was the only guy online and seemingly afk so i was forced to take the loot without getting to enjoy any bitching or trashtalk other than changing the guilds motto. a few days later........  i saw this lol. apparently zatoichi disbanded his guild and made a new one upon logging in and finding out that mr pancho villa over there had gotten his bank stolen. it would seem he also hadn't learned not to spam recruitment macros in tradechat. as an aside i get a kick out of the recruit message itself as well, lets see..... they are recruiting pks, carebears and crafters meaning they have no focus or direction whatsoever, their big claim to fame is having a vent server and a cobbled together website, and they happily accept newbs. a sure recipe for success. the best part however is the line about "quality over quantity", while i agree with the concept and run SBG according to it this has become the new tagline for shitty fledgling guilds that nobody wants to join. somehow because they have only 3 members and no applicants on their forums it means that said members are badasses instead of the simple and ugly truth that their so terrible nobody wants to play with them. 
for months after i stole the bank and left a calling card scenes like the above where zatoichi would come into one thread or another and like some kind of demented barnacle affix himself to my scrotum were common. according to zatoichi in addition to being an egotistical immoral time bandit and overall bastard in need of having my shit stolen and a banning i have old man hands and suck at pvp. 
but at least i can console myself with the fact that i am better than he is. i will never understand why folks cant just keep their mouths shut when they get killed by someone they dont like instead of blubbering like a fool. dropping him in under 20 seconds was a "lot of work", its ok he died because his loot was shit, i am somehow trying to insult him by matter of factly stating i was trying to use the bank and the potions that are still in my pack evidently were consumed in my bloodthirsty zeal of trying to hard. or something...... what a fucking idiot. im sure by now he has told scores of people about this fateful day where i was so ANGRY i had to "hack" to kill him and then raged on him in tells. 
bank was ok as far as shitty newb guilds go, 27k was a decent chunk of change at the time and the shard would come in handy for later projects. ......................................................................... Calamitous Intent calamitous intent was another one of those "pirate guilds" that if they were real pirates would live in nebraska and do battle with rubber ducks in their own filthy bathtub. that is to say they are anything but. they also have their own flavor of "la raza" asshole who just happens to be trying to pawn a house deed in tradechat.  i login to the latest random name generated alt, take on the role of "emo slayer" and start working my way into the guild. happily tatiana delaraza is quite accomodating and doesn't make any attempt at verifying who i am whatsoever. 
after a quick rifling through the bags there was no house deed, i did however notice that the guild controlled a hamlet. 
it gets a little complicated here. i had been tabbed out on my main character "buying" the deed as i was hoping there would be a transfer through the guildbank before i robbed it, instead both tatiana and some other guy are traveling to meet me in ymirs tear for the trade instead. time for plan B......  
"omg!" plan B consists of good old fashioned blackmail and ransom. it is always a difficult sell to get folks to pay your ransom money after you rip them off, even if they want to trade they figure (and rightly so) that you will just fuck them over a second time. let it be known that to date i have never dicked someone over on a ransom even though i could have each time, to me successfully pulling of a blackmail or ransom is just about as good as it gets in the realm of online ripoffs as it means you have your quarry so firmly by the balls that they have no choice but to comply. in any case things are looking good, tatiana and the entourage are on their way to pay up. 
this is the current party chat of tatiana, her boyfriend and the newb recruits. they invited me when i was invited to the guild and have forgotten (big surprise) i was in it. professor chaos (brandon) is "pissed and freaking out" so what does he do? why he goes bleeting to the GMs of course! typical carebear mentality "waaah no fair! im a dumbass and fucked up fix it for me!" unfortunately in most games crying to the staff usually works, one can say a lot of bad things about darkfall but at least they keep a hands off approach to situations like these. it must suck to have JUST picked up a pair of new recruits and only minutes later have to explain to them how some foul fellow has hijacked your guild and is holding it ransom and therefore the evenings planned adventure of goblin killing and getting kicked around the bindstone like a worn out maypole ball is cancelled. 
"im a girl, im not going to fuck you over" not sure how many folks want to hear that exactly. after finally getting to town tatiana starts acting stupid about the trade and trying to complicate matters using the "but im a girl!" argument i guess that means im just supposed to fall over and swoon eager to do her bidding or something. given the fact that i have ridden more ass than a mexican cavalry unit during my lifetime i remained unimpressed by her feminine wiles 
"but, but my kids are sick! yeah thats it!" it annoys the fuck out of me when folks lie to me as it makes me wonder if they think im as stupid as they are and actually believe their transparent load of crap, needless to say i quickly grew tired of her stalling and bullshit as i had more pressing issues to attend to (a romp in the hay and watching the latest redbox acquired stupid hollywood creations) dumb cunt would have gotten her city back to as not only do i follow through with my ransoms but i already had a few hamlets at this point and the last thing i wanted was another one to juggle around on alt accounts 
"so basically frostpeak is a fag" lol, oh the deductive abilities of ol mulag. with his girlfriends oh so clever "but..... im a girl!...... with sick kids!" ploy unsuccessful professor chaos breaks the bad news to his newb recruits while his airheaded companion assures everyone things will be OK as they have already sent their tear soaked missived to the GMs. 
tatiana could of had her guild, bank and city returned. instead she got nothing other than being immortalized in game as a dumbshit. as always after completely owning the guild (literally) it somehow means i fail at the game and suck at life in general according to the grieved parties. as an aside this is an amusing insight into the skill level of your typical ICON member, here i am on a freshly created character of 200 hp with no skills levelled and two laggy clients running and this jackass comes charging in with an r40 only to catch a leafblade asskicking. 
............................................................................... Pothead Posse as you might of guessed "pothead posse" is full of folks who like to emroil themselves in reefer madness. in keeping with the stereotype of potheads feeling a deep seated need to tell everyone they smoke weed, their guild name divulges said information and half of the members are named after a particular strain, part of the plant or paraphaneila therein. potheads annoy me everytime they speak, however this guild has a larger bullseye painted on its back than other similar guilds for one reason. 
this is that reason. jerky moron (a suiting moniker if ever there was one) was in our guild for a brief period of time, the 15 minute screening interview was the only time i remember encountering him in a sober state as i later discovered he was in the practice of intoxicating himself with a variety of substances including weed and heroin. abrasive and at all times annoying but a nice enough fellow so despite his shortcomings i let him hang around longer than i should have and he became an embarassment to the guild. perhaps the most blatant screaming siren of "its time to go" came when we were on a planned guild pvp raid and jerky shows up 2 hours late (big surprise) and proceeded to spend 20 minutes in the middle of some guilds fully built hamlet trying to bind to their clanstone thinking it was a chaos stone (in spite of us telling him over vent the entire time) before getting killed by someone recalling into said hamlet and ragelogging 
as per our charter you are not allowed to quit our guild, and you are certainly not allowed to get kicked out. if you join our guild and do not work out for whatever reason you and everyone around you takes a prominent spot on the guild shitlist. this had been the first time i saw jerky since he was kicked out of the guild, i also noticed that pothead posse had just acquired a hamlet. 
i went to the hamlet later that evening and was happy to find jerky meandering around with some of his new guildmates and commenced opening a family sized can of assbeat. i quickly grew bored however as it just wasn't very satisfying killing jerky over and over, it was kind of like beating up a retard with no arms or legs. just leaves a lot to be desired i guess 
having had my fill of kicking jerkys ass it was time to turn things up a notch. i relay the typical spiel about being soandso with an alt and manage to get an invite and my foot in the door. mr mitochondria would not promote me however and in retrospect i should have chosen my target better and not gone with the guy whos name refers to the cell biology of plants as that means he is at least as intelligent as your typical 5th grader. i need to find a 100% dumbass instead of a 90% dumbass. 
there we go. 
puffpuff pass happily promotes me to "caption" within 2 minutes of him seeing my initial message. for an added twist of humor dargel donates some materials WHILE i am emptying the bank, apparently he didn't think anything of the bags and items that were vanishing right in front of his slackjawed face. to bad for him, if he had he could of prevented what happened next.... 
with the bank emptied i make a thinly veiled reference to a skill exploit that doesn't exist in a play for a SG promotion but i think it went over ol puffpuffs head as it doesnt seem like he has any idea what im talking about even though he "already tried it" doesnt seem to matter though as..... 
yep, i know. 
"this is either a joke or someone is a moron" lol well it isnt a joke, so i guess we know what that means =P it takes a moment for them to understand what happened and when they do i naturally drop jerky morons name, after that i suddenly found myself being an incestual loser as is so frequently the case during these forays. on a different note i have found the typical west virginian coalminer to be head and shoulders above the typical urban latte sipper in all categories of the intelligence department. 
the next day jerky logs in to let me know how much of a shitbag i am and how fat my wife is before whining about how the game mechanics should protect folks from making poor decisions (typical welfare entitlement mentality and another example of why he was not suited for our guild). apparently he also warned his guild that something like this would be attempted (he was in our guild for awhile after all) which catapults them even further down the field of stupidity 
lol as a parting shot jerky admits his new guildname is retarded and then for some reason takes a page from captain obvious and lets me know that his guildmates are in the practice of getting hammered. after that he spots buto nearby in town and sends me a mistell intended for him threatening that the reformed remnants of his newbguild would be declaring war on us directly (which would have been met with an immediate declaration on our part but the timer wasnt up) didn't seem to have the desired effect though given that buto simply rolled up his sleeves and dropped him where he stood war status or not =P. 
unlike other larger clusterfucks of stoners this one lacked staying power and this was pretty much the deathknell of their guild. they never grew past a handful of members in their reformed guild and ended up spawning several offshoots and branch guilds with names like "old potheads" before fading out altogether. i was also stuck with yet another fucking unwanted hamlet, it was at this point in time that i had four of them simultaneously as it would be awhile yet before some of the mega zergs started sieging them at 4am and lightening my load.
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