Repository Ripoff 6 ( NA - 1 ) 
This is a sequel to part one, two, three, four and five. .................................................................. Business Casual business casual was a small supposed "elite" pvp guild with associates in both the zealot and tra alliance (which is why they were allowed to have a holding), my experience with them was very limited in that i killed a handful of their members around chillbourne and after a few of those encounters the dead party whined like an eight year old who had his icecream cone knocked on the ground by an older brother ("try to fight me when im ready and not lagging faggot!" etc) afterwards. they became a blip on the radar one day upon calling our guild various unfriendly terms in tradechat after zerging down one of our members in our dungeon perch/training spot. 
ask me no questions and ill tell you no lies. well, at least not anymore than i initially told. within 4 minutes vuldan ironhand had given away the guildbank. things were surprisingly easy with vuldan and i would have tried to get him to promote me to SG so i could hijack the guild but he was only a general. a new nimrod would have to be found. 
whelp that was easy. without saying anything at all banshee stormrager eagerly chucks his guild and hamlet down the shitter with the same enthusiasm as vuldan when he threw away the guildbank. if it wasn't for the fact he was afk for 20 minutes this would have been in the neighborhood of a 2 minute heist. this "elite" pvp guild sure is pretty fucking stupid. 
as we can see above this genious apparently knew that the guy i was supposed to be was inactive, yet he invited a randomly generated name claiming to be saif fellow anyway. my mind reels everytime shit like this happens, i feel as though i have met more future 50 year old mcdonalds fry cooks than not. i used to wonder why there was such a huge amount of nigerian scammer mail spammed all over the internet as SURELY nobody would be stupid enough to fall for such a poor scam, but if there is one thing my stint in darkfall has taught me is that there are a LOT more dumbasses in the world than even i had previously thought possible. given that they were affiliated wth the tra alliance i made sure to drop the obligatory reference to die and talpec though im sure it went way over his head, besides he was to busy wishing i would contract a sudden case of spontaneous monitor combustion. 
vuldan goes full retard and devolves into internet tough guy mode, only he is SO tough that he is afraid of getting in trouble and wont just come right out and say he would get his ass kicked kick my ass... lol what a jackass. 
banshee stormrager was doing a good job of not being banshee nerdrager but ended up dropping the ball, the temptation to tell me how sad i am and that i am a cocksucker proved to strong for him to overcome. my favorite part of this exchange aside from him coming back and threatening to put me on his ignore list (i dont know how i could go on living if THAT happened!) nearly ten minutes after i stopped talking to him is how he tries to minimalize his fuckup by saying his guild sucks anyway. 
after someone fucks up it is a common theme for them to start inventing conspiracies in an effort to make what they did seem less retarded to their guildmates, in this case vuldan has convinced himself that i had inside knowledge and thats how everything went off like clockwork. the notion that he and banshee are just idiots is just to simple of an explanation. apparently most of this guild are members of "KGB" which is an abbreviation for "kings of glory and beer" (or knights of glory and beer) which has been a crappy shortlived guild with 500 allies in a half dozen games i have played now. trouble is that there are three or four of these guilds floating around that are all completely unrelated to one another so i can never be sure which one i am dealing with, regardless i never liked any of them anyway so ad a golden star for me! also im TOTALLY screwed now because they posted about it on whatever obscure guild forum they frequent. ..................................................................................... Crusaders of Light i know absolutely nothing about this guild or its members, but with a name like "crusaders of light" i pretty much already know everything i need to. i am instantly reminded of the "anti pk" guilds of years past that would go charging into battle at 70% health, no mana, no consumeables, a few scraps of cloth for armor and a broken weapon. then after instantly being turned into a screenshot with an efficiency that rivals irfanview make their way to the forums and demand some form of new restriction to punish PKs or push for safezones so they can't be killed at all. to make matters worse the guild leader (who had just run past me at the bank) is named "sir aragorn" which in turn reminds me of the literal hundreds of anklebiting bedwetters who named themselves legolass, legoolas, legoslas and so on when the lord of the rings movies were coming out. 
in keeping with 15 years of gaming tradition the "good guys" are always the most gullible, and aragorn is currently running from someone. it takes me three minutes and a minimum of dialogue to get invited and promoted. in fact this boring exchange is the only dialogue we had at all because this shitty guild has no members and sir aragorn is afk plotting his conquest of mordor. 
sometimes you get lucky and the small newbie guilds have a decent bit of shit in their bank for how big they are, usually one of their veteran friends quit and gave them all of their stuff or the guild consists of a half dozen real life friends that use the guildbank as a communal storage and keep almost nothing in their own banks. whatever the case may be aragorn's quest for the magical cock ring that will plunge him into puberty just got far more difficult. .............................................................................. United Legions if the name of your guild is united anything, especially in a game like darkfall it means you are a guild of allying pussbags that can not stand on your own, but when you mix it with another word, like oh... "legion" which since biblical times has been synonymous with "zerg" it doesn't exactly paint a flattering picture. "my name is legion, for we are maaaany" that basically sums up the mentality and philosophy of united zergs, only they never quite got to true zerg status because their clusterfuck was not as good as all the other clusterfucks and they never had a town of their own. 
uh oh another guild full of "elite pvp gamers", only this one is headed by jolly ol saint nick himself, hopefully they don't venture far from the north pole as children all over the world will have a shitty christmas since bloated corpses do not make or deliver presents.  there is one universal truth that all men have known since the dawn of time. women are stupid. granted i have met more than my share of complete morons that were men in this game but i don't think i have yet to have an encounter where i was trying to get ranked up by a female (or at least someone with a female name) where it didn't work flawlessly. i mean just look at the above, maybe if this pair of saggy floptits wasn't busy drowning everyone with "hun, okies and baby" she would have time to figure out how to fucking work the basic administrative functions of the guild instead of having to ask other people. 
after emptying the bank and going through the bags i grew tired of waiting for someone to notice that all their shit was gone so i started banning everyone with a lower rank. amid the "wtf"s i take on the role of a disgruntled raging guildmate that is mad because nobody listens to me. the fact that i said nothing for anyone to respond to doesnt matter because according to me i did. 
as a counter to my "this guild sucks nobody ever does shit" argument erotique counters with "nuh uh we allied with reincarnation!" lol then she admits in the next sentence that she doesnt like reincarnation and that they suck, ah the mentality of a shitty carebear zerg guild. lets play a pvp game and band together with large groupings of players we don't like for safety and convenience instead of putting their dick in the dirt. she then lets me know she hangs out in chillbourne, and with that i was on my way there. 
by now both my character and the real arkonir has been banned from the guild and are in the midst of the 45 minute kick timer, meanwhile i am continueing to piss folks off more and more so that when the real arkonir logs on and wonders what happened he is immediately met with a snarl and a bitten off head. now, i can not help but comment. here we have a guy (me) that was JUST invited to the guild as soandso's alt, there has been ZERO verification of any kind which is bad enough but now he is undergoing a jekyll and hide transformation into the powerraging guildmate from hell. does this raise any red flags among ANYONE in the guild? fuck no it doesn't! instead they just kick both characters out and continue jabbing back and forth with me. HOW are so many people this fucking gullible? 
"no no no you got it rong, i go hard!" could someone please explain to me what the fuck that even means? devils arm continues talking shit and making a fool of himself. subtle humor is my favorite so the line about him being a dumbass and not knowing why is particularly funny to me since it is so true given the fact he has been raging on an imposter for a half hour and kicked out his guildmate. meanwhile erotique, being a woman and as such ruled by emotions is genuinely sad and on the verge of crying irl over the current happenings. 
"i thought i was being nice and lose everything, typical" welcome to darkfall woman! most folks blame various faulty game mechanics for darkfalls low playerbase and while correct to an extent the real reason for low numbers is in the above screenshot. for years gamers have been coddled and are soft now, half of the folks that originally got an account just are NOT cut out for a real pvp game and had deluded themselves with years of wow battlegrounds into thinking that they were. then they lose a city, get townkilled after stupidly toting their lifesavings to the crafting bench, get scammed or simply get pked one to many times and they quit. incidentally erotique would rather be a victim than be "mean" 
you want to cry? ill give you somethign to cry about! *smack* *smack* *smack* 
after getting to chillbourne and adding erotique to the battered women statistics devils arm let me know a few more times about how he is going to just totally kick my ass all over the place. he then started offering peace treaties with the various small fly by night town guilds that had warred them before telling me i suck balls. color me unimpressed. ............................................................................. Torrent( Xanit K'ven ) Torrent is an offshoot guild of "xanit k'ven" (torrent is the name they use when not everyone is playing) which is a large carebear guild that as such typically plays carebear games with an unhealthy fixation on pve raiding, their roots are as some find of namby pamby dark elf roleplayer guild (lol) from everquest hence the retarded quasi tolkienese name. i initially came across the guild during vanguard where despite having a whole lot of members who would whine and rage after you killed them, being a zerg guild and seldom ever leaving the raid instance once it became available i had a grudging level of respect for the guild as a whole due to both its age and the fact that their members were at least significantly better than the other zerging carebear guilds like ebonlore and havoc. basically i have history with this guild across three games now, and it is always far more fun to peg people you know than your random retard. 
i am pretending to be a long time member named mendan who i knew fairly well (and as such able to pull off the imitation) due to a personal several month fued between the two of us that culminated in me agreeing to stop kicking his ass after he made me a ship. i had already initiated contact with "einnor windblade" (mathias) earlier in the day posing as a newbie mendan where after some smalltalk einnor told me to head to their allied city because he couldnt figure out how to invite me and was going to work. here he came back as i was in the process of transferring some loot i had stolen earlier with the character and i relayed my sorrowful (and entirely made up) tale about going to the city only to be killed on sight figuring it would rekindle the need for getting me a guild invite. 
asswipe here still can't figure out how to invite me so being a newb and such i had to consult with "that guy from earlier" and spell it out for him. einnor is new to the game and as such is bursting at the seams with excitement, he continues to demonstrate this while giving me quality tips about harvesting rocks all day. after finally getting an invite to the guild i was about to throw my hands in the air and embark on the long and tedious process of explaining how to promote me to a higher rank when...... 
"who the fuck could have gotten in!?" lol, this is easily one of my favorite "wtf the bank is gone!" moments. here we are mere minutes after he invites and promotes me, notices the bank is gone and cant figure out WHO could have taken it. i even tried to drop a hint and ask if he had invited anyone recently for fuck sake. i would of continued screwing with him but ryzin was on the ball and promptly banned me.  i hate it when old time established guilds resort to begging (unless i have a particular dislike for them) it makes me feel all dirty inside, its like getting all pumped up for a brawl with some big dude and after the first punch or two they just fall down and cover up yelling stop it over and over. after the groveling failed to produce results mathias lets me know how the guild is going to murder him and that he is quitting now when only moments before he was railing about how much he loved the game. stop being such a fucking pussy mathias. 
what the fuck is a rival in solidarity? after the initial salvo of "wtf cant believe you did that to us" even ryzin approached the situation with his hat in his hand hoping i would just give all their shit back before trying (unsuccessfully) to guilttrip me with news that a bunch of their guild is going to get mad and quit now, because apparently i am supposed to you know..... give a shit or something. first of all these folks were never anything other than a large carebear guild that brought 5+ people to every engagement and got their ass kicked anyway for 2.5 years in vanguard not my friends or allies, it is amazing how when you have someone by the balls they are suddenly your best friend. secondly if your pussbag members are going to quit the game over a minor setback like a guildbank they wouldn't have lasted anyway (and indeed a month later there were only 3 or 4 playing, untagged at that). to say i was thoroughly dissappointed with xanit's reaction is an understatement. 
this was a pretty decent haul for a small guild at this point of time on the server, the 40k went nicely to the magery fund and the miscellaneous bows and gear supplied the guild for a good while. 
as if the pathetic groveling earlier wasn't enough to make me think less of xanit the very next day they ended up not only joining the biggest and most uncoordinated zerg alliance on the server (TRA) but were also tied at the hip with none other than DIE and living out of their city. lol i hopped on an alt to verify and after that gloated a bit about yoinking the guildbank, except einnor takes a page from the new generation of whiney gamer newbs and suddenly has no idea what im talking about. oh well, guess im just imagining things. way to go xanit. with your begging and pleading, allying of DIE and the "nope, your a liar!" shit you have cemented yourself firmly amongst the ranks of shitty nigger guilds. ............................................................... Goonsquad Goonsquad is the gaming section of the something awful website. i will not pretend to understand the cult like following that these folks, many of whom pay a monthly subscription fee to be associated with the official branchs of the guild have and move along. suffice to say, being associated with a large website the guild is of course a massive zerg guild, the largest in fact with their ranks consisting of the heftiest gathering of terrible players ever concieved. their eve membership alone (7000 players) easily outweighs the playerbase of many games altogether my first run in with this group was years ago on the hybrid UO emulator where they ran around as "MS/EQ" and used a universal runebank to instantly bring in 5 to 10 people everytime one of the miners they were attacking started to fight back, since then i have seen various chapters crumble and fall apart in both vanguard and age of conan. in darkfall goonsquad created the COTC alliance on the european server which at one point ended up comprising 65% of the entire server population before huge amounts of infighting and concentrated attacks from the smaller alliances of pvp guilds destroyed the alliance. with this goonsquad members joined other guilds or quit darkfall entirely. aside from rampant self promotion, being made up of a legion of genuinely stupid people and being the internets largest zerg guild they also did the unthinkable..... nay unforgiveable! they claimed on various occasions that many of MY bank heists was the work of their own. and now they are on the american server. 
sadus rattus is one of the mid range officers of the guild and one that happens to have been talking in trade chat earlier about the joys of smoking pot. now if you have read any of my previous episodes you know that a common theme for me is to work myself in via one of a guilds dopers given that they tend to not be the smartest of folks. sadus is no exception and right after having his prophetic vision of "well it's good enough to rob the guildbank"...... 
that is exactly what happened! lol i LOVE the awesome irony here, it is like having a bunch of drunk yokels waving their shotguns around cracking jokes about accidentally shooting one another and mere seconds later managing to blow half of someones foot off. 
"welp fuuuuuuuck" yes indeed sadus, yes indeed. if you are paying attention to the timestamps you will notice that it only took them a full two hours to notice that the bank was gone, unfortunately i was afk watching a movie during this revelation and was unable to rub any extra salt in the wound with a few assinine comments. 
if you pay attention to nothing else from the above simply take heed of the second to last comment, it just doesn't pay to replace your lungs with a bong folks. all things considered this incarnation of the goons at least took it well and the reeferchimney did take responsibility for his fuckup by dumping his own shit into the bank so in light of these factors i put the goons a few notches above most of the other guilds i have nailed. 
pretty crappy bank unless you are a 100% melee guy (aka newb) but that of course isn't the point, rather the point is that i was able to nab the folks from something awful (a scammer guild no less) and add them to my wall of trophies. yay me!
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